Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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