Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
