come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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