Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
