i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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