he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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