Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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