Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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