he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
how does that bad decision feel?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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