remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize