Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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