I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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