I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
