she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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