my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
