my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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