the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
