goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
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