I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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