it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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