You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
