So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
