I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
