I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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