matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
