She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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