pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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