You're my little dorito
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
