i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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