Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
