We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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