I bet he comes in French.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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