I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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