it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
