I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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