also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
