My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
