Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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