She went from zero to smokin in five shots
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I still have a little drunk in my system
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
