im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
