I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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