Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
