Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
