I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
