If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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