I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize