shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Randomize
