So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
