Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sorry my hands just texted you
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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