My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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