Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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