From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
