Don't EVER smell your tampon
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
