he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
