I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
