My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize