At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
