My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize