Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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