I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize