Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
