thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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