I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
