3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
