there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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