does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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