she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
